A DROP OF WISHFUL THINKING...

Its been three years since then...

"Make a decision and never regret. Never look back because you're supposed to be happy". But what if I told you, I wasn't? What if I said, I looked back into the past and regretted? What if, after all this time, nearly every single decision I made, was actually hurting and pushing away a guy that I love now? I pushed him away back then, thinking it was for the best. I desperately pranced away from his attempts to gain my attention, and I did what I thought was the best solution, that being to shove him to someone I thought could protect him. In the end, by doing this, it tore what we had apart. I became cold. We became cold. I hated him. He hated me. He stopped calling, I stopped calling. It just led to a chain of events that I never thought would happen; he left me. At first, I thought I believed it to be nothing, just a mere wound that would heal. But as time passed, and the wound was no where near healing, I started to doubt myself. Though I was with someone then, I couldn't do anything but watch, watch him being with someone I hated. I disliked what I saw and I had no idea why. I just thought it wrong. It was times such as this that made me think back to what a friend I once held dear told me, "Just follow what your heart tells you. Once you do, don't look back. Be happy with the choice you made". Dear God. How I believed Him so. But this was not the case. He was wrong, oh so wrong. I finally realized why I had such pathetic and jealous thoughts of him. It came out of the blue one day, and it hit me so hard, I was left standing dazed in the middle of the street;

Maybe, just maybe, I had deep, emotional feelings for this guy.

This thought stopped me from sleeping at night. This idea stopped me from thinking straight, because the moment this settled into me, I realized, how large a mistake I had made. I pushed away a person I loved unintentionally. I admit, I was sad. Unhappy. I pitied myself, because I believed I could never see him again, never talk to him again and never hear him again. I wanted to go back to him, tell her how I felt for him, but I couldn't. He still had a girlfriend, a girlfriend from what I could tell and observe, was hurting him. They split up soon afterwards. I tried to stop myself from getting close to him again, but I couldn't help myself. I approached him slowly and asked if we could go back the way we were and be friends. The conversation escalated, and soon he was asking why I was telling him, making me tell him the reason. I guess he saw through me, because soon enough, he was hinting whether or not I had feelings for him. I tried to say no, but alas, I remembered my sins of the past and I just answered; "Yeah. I like you more than you'll ever know".

God. I've had enough regretting about my choices within the past, and I won't make the same mistakes again because you just won't know what you've lost till it's all gone away.